I held her hand and feet cast for a long time tonight after the kids went to bed. I talked to them for quite some time. But I knew I really wanted to be holding her. So I went into the living room and picked her up. She's sitting with me at the computer right now, in between myself and the keyboard.
I told her how sorry I was for everything (again). I asked her a bunch of questions I wish I knew the answers to. I kissed her a million times.
I'm still crying. But I needed to get my thoughts out - otherwise, i wont be able to get any kind of sleep tonight. Last night i stayed up until 1am hoping Chris would call or skype... And of course I had to wake up at 6:30 to get Christopher up and ready for school. I know I need sleep... but this is kind of like staying up all night with a baby, right? God, I wish.
My beautiful angel... why you? God couldn't have really needed the most perfect baby in heaven, could he? I never heard you cry. You had never sinned. You were perfect.
And I feel so guilty for cremating you. I hate the thought and the idea of it and what has to be done to do it... it just doesn't seem fair or possible to do that to such a precious baby. But I had to take you with us... I couldn't stand to leave you. I've often wanted to take you with us, like to daddy's deployment. It just wasn't fair that you couldn't be there with us. And I don't mean by spirit... Your urn is perfect for you. A beautiful wooden box with a simple heart. A heart not broken. It has 3 red roses. One for each month you lived. A million grains in the perfect wood. One for each life you touched.
I wish I could be feeding you or changing a stinky diaper right now. I wish for everything with you. I wish for just one day to hold you where you weren't attached to everything. One day... I hope to get that pleasure one day.
I could write my feelings down forever about you. All the what ifs, could haves, and should haves. I miss you.
And I wish daddy was here so we could talk and cry with each other.... I love you.
p.s. did you get the balloon we sent you? Your brother and sister ask me all the time if I think you liked it and I tell them you love it and you play with it everyday.