Sweet Baby Caralynn

Sweet Baby Caralynn

Thursday, September 29, 2011


Chris deployed a few days ago. Tonight I have found myself struggling. I can't stop crying. It's so hard to be feeling so sad when I'm alone and don't have him to talk to and not even know when we will be able to talk.
I held her hand and feet cast for a long time tonight after the kids went to bed. I talked to them for quite some time. But I knew I really wanted to be holding her. So I went into the living room and picked her up. She's sitting with me at the computer right now, in between myself and the keyboard.
I told her how sorry I was for everything (again). I asked her a bunch of questions I wish I knew the answers to. I kissed her a million times.
 I'm still crying. But I needed to get my thoughts out - otherwise, i wont be able to get any kind of sleep tonight. Last night i stayed up until 1am hoping Chris would call or skype... And of course I had to wake up at 6:30 to get Christopher up and ready for school. I know I need sleep... but this is kind of like staying up all night with a baby, right? God, I wish.

My beautiful angel... why you? God couldn't have really needed the most perfect baby in heaven, could he? I never heard you cry. You had never sinned. You were perfect.
And I feel so guilty for cremating you. I hate the thought and the idea of it and what has to be done to do it... it just doesn't seem fair or possible to do that to such a precious baby. But I had to take you with us... I couldn't stand to leave you. I've often wanted to take you with us, like to daddy's deployment. It just wasn't fair that you couldn't be there with us. And I don't mean by spirit... Your urn is perfect for you. A beautiful wooden box with a simple heart. A heart not broken. It has 3 red roses. One for each month you lived. A million grains in the perfect wood. One for each life you touched.

I wish I could be feeding you or changing a stinky diaper right now. I wish for everything with you. I wish for just one day to hold you where you weren't attached to everything. One day... I hope to get that pleasure one day.
I could write my feelings down forever about you. All the what ifs, could haves, and should haves. I miss you.
And I wish daddy was here so we could talk and cry with each other.... I love you.

p.s. did you get the balloon we sent you? Your brother and sister ask me all the time if I think you liked it and I tell them you love it and you play with it everyday.


  1. Aw Jeni...this just breaks my heart. I know there aren't any words in the world I could say that would make it okay or better, but just know I am incredibly sorry for your loss. She touched my life in a way I will never forget, I never got to meet her and it feels like I spent every day with her on her very hard journey. I wish it was possible to go back in time and fix it all...it just kills me knowing how much she had to go through. If you ever wanna talk or want company, once I get back down there...I've got 11 more days in Ohio, don't be afraid to get ahold of me! I may not be able to understand exactly what your going thru but I'm a good listener! :) hope you did get some sleep mama.

  2. I teared up reading this! This is beautiful and I know your sweet baby girl is watching over you and at your weakest moments she is there for you! I will continue to pray for you hun!